Back Down Memory Lane

"Hey Uncle Mike! Who is Troop?" Ah, my 14-year-old niece knows how to sound the death knell of my youth! We were cleaning out some bookcases for my impending move when she found a veritable treasure trove of my old cassette tapes...mostly from my days at G.W. Carver High School. Woo, man those things brought back some memories! I started playing some of those old school sounds and they took me straight back to 1989! Who doesn't remember the school dance where boyfriends and girlfriends were made? Come with me back down my own personal memory lane!

We had all of our dances at the Carver Gymnasium and I was in love with Jessie Parks! DAMN! She was the FINEST 17-year-old on the planet in my opinion, but in typical high school fashion, I couldn't let her know that. We stole a glance or two from each other as the night progressed and my boys prodded me to go over there and "pull" her, but I was calm and confident. My smooth words and the lure of the music was all I needed to win her heart, but I had to strike at the right moment, she would be Forever My Lady. The DJ decided he wanted to take us back to '85 with Ready for the World's Oh, Shelia, but that was too fast, couldn't risk my Brut...by Faberge...not being able to hold up to the strain...no...the song had to be magic, there had to be Something In My Heart!

I could see her dancing with one of my football teammates across the gymnasium floor to Guy's Groove Me, and I knew I'd have to make my move soon or all hope of capturing this epic beauty would be dashed! She didn't need him...she needed a man with Sensitivity...a man like me! I don't know if she was bored or tired, but soon she was sitting down on one of benches shooting down ever brotha that came over to ask her to dance, but I knew...I would be her Comforter. I was beginning to get a little nervous...were my boys right? Should I have spoken earlier? Then the magic happened, my prayers were answered, a smooth voice came over the loud speaker and said "Fellas, take your lady's hand, it's time for the slow jamz." I slowly walked over, checking my box cut fade for any out of place hairs and my patent leather shoes for any unsightly scuffmarks. My MC Hammer Banana Pants, faux silk shirt and bolo tie shimmered from the disco ball light, I felt like a Smooth Criminal. I extended my hand and said..."May I have this dance?" She looked my up and down, then looked at my hand...I felt dejected! Turning to walk away, she grabbed my still outstretched hand and said, I'd love to!" As I pulled her closer to me...the song started playing....

I can't wait to get to school each day

and wait for you to pass my way

and bells start to ring

and angels start to sing:"hey that's the girl for you

so what are ya gonna do?

"hey little girl!!!I LOVE YOU!!! (i love you so...)

I looked into her eyes and said..."It's true, you know." She said, "what's true?" And I said...All I Do Is Think Of You. So in response to my niece...who is Troop? Troop is only the greatest musical group in history with a lead singer sporting a chipped tooth! Whew!! I like the way Jessie played the Kissing Game! Now to find the box with the banana pants and the silk shirt!

Cry Havok, And Let Slip...The Dogs of War

The battle of the sexes has been raging for centuries with no clear winner in sight. Whenever one of us thinks we’ve got the upper hand…BAM…there's a blast that shakes the foundations of creation comes out of nowhere. But why are we fighting a battle? Why are men and women in a constant struggle for gender superiority? I don’t know I’m just a simple man…a renaissance man...but still a simple man.

I don’t have it all figured out, but I think, fundamentally, we all want the same things. We want someone who’s there for us when we need them, whether they know it or not. We want a companion we share thoughts and feelings with. We want someone that shares common goals and philosophies. We want someone who will challenge us when we’re wrong, and completely back us up when we’re right. We want someone, when the lights turn low, and the music plays softly to make us forget about any that have come before them. We want the same things. We just don’t understand that sometimes we may have to cultivate these qualities in a relationship.

No one is perfect, but there are brothas and sistas out there that think their excrement isn’t foul just because of the way they look or the size of their bank accounts. The light of revelation and discovery in relationships has to be turned inward before you can turn it on your unsuspecting prey. Being in a relationship is like being a good leader. You can’t ask your troops to do anything you wouldn’t be willing to do. If you want your man to be more passionate, think about what YOU’RE doing in the bedroom. If you want your woman to be more fiscally responsible…take her credit cards…then look at YOUR spending patterns.

For instance…I listened to my mother. Yeah, yeah, yeah…bring on the mama’s boy jokes…but hear me out. My mother always told me that I need to be able to totally take care of myself, so I didn’t depend on anyone else to do it. I learned to cook (well!) to clean (well!) to sew (basics)…to do any and everything to be totally independent. So say I put on my Sunday-Go-To-Meeting clothes and I find a nice little cutie to court. We kick it for a while, but **CLUTCH THE PEARLS** there’s a slight problem...She's not perfect! **GASP** She has all the other traits I want, but she can’t cook or balance her checkbook to save her life. What do I do? Do I send her packing waiting for Miss Perfect to show up? No…I teach her how to cook, eventually she teaches me something then I teach her something else…do you see a pattern developing here? (incidentally…in my hometown, there was a single mom on the street where I lived and her last name was Perfect…DAMN she was fine!! **fainting** But I digress….)

We’re so preoccupied with finding the “Perfect Woman or Man” that we lose sight of good things in front of us. We all want to score a touchdown, but we need to concentrate on getting a first down! What I’m trying to say is, relationships take work. You get out of them what you put in to them. You’ll have your joy and your pain…but as long as you’re working towards your goals together, it’ll be more of an odyssey than a battle. We can struggle and fight 24/7 in this battle of the sexes, but until we stop trying to point fingers and assign blame to each other, it’ll be Pyrrhic victory in a war of attrition. Hmmm…I wonder what Miss Perfect is doing these days…I may have to look her up, I’m sure she can teach me some things!

Trapped Music

When I was 11 years old, there was magic on the TV screen. My whole family gathered to watch, young and old, the magic crossed generational boundaries. We all loved to see the spectacle, the wonder, the MAGIC that was Michael Jackson. After watching the Beat It video, I don't think I've ever wanted an article of clothing with so many zippers on it in my life! Michael was different. (not in that way...we're getting to that.) Most other artists, you just "liked" or they were "aight"...Michael was different, you wanted to believe in Michael. You wanted to believe there was a guy so talented and special that he transcended race, wealth, generations and any other gaps that came to bear. In my 11 year-old mind, he was the pinnacle of celebrity and hope. (Don’t’ act like I'm the only one, fellas)

Fast forward 21 years...as we now see that beacon of hope tarnished by his own words and actions. As we watch the sideshow that is Michael Jackson's life and his trial, we are seeing the crumbling of a man that some people say just doesn't "get it"...that he's crazy. Yeah, he's definitely crazy, and I wouldn't have my kids, if I had any, anywhere around his bedroom at Never Land Ranch. Oh yeah, then there are the excuses..."he lost his whole childhood putting money in everyone's pocket"..."He didn’t have the proper chance to grow up." Sounds like a whole bunch of excuses to me. Yeah, maybe as a kid he didn't get a chance to play with friends...he didn't get a chance to go away to camp...but as a grown man, I believe he knew the difference between right and wrong.... and it's wrong as hell to sleep in a bed with kids that aren't your own and afraid of the dark.

I could have lived the rest of my days without a description Michael's alleged penis...I would have been more than happy not to know that said alleged penis was allegedly erect while he allegedly flashed a couple of kids! *shudder* Now before folks, start attacking me for being anti-MiJack, I'm not saying he did it...what I'm saying, in essence, is that he should NOT have put himself in that situation in the first place. And if he did do it...no matter how much money he has he needs to be placed directly underneath the nearest Maximum Security Prison...throw the book and the glove at him! Now that the wonder of the 11 year-old has given way to the cynicism of the 32 year-old, the music doesn't sound the same, so I choose not to listen.

One more thing, we as a people should stop giving a pass to the actions of folks who do some ignant ass stuff just coz they're black. You know who you are..."Yeah, I saw the R-ra Kelley tape...and that's him, but I still gots to buy that Chocolate Factory CD!" Let these morons know that we're not taking their shyt and we won't condone blatantly IGNANT behavior out of them. For instance, these rappers are out of hand, too...why they got to be shooting up Radio stations and calling press conferences to call a truce?? 50 Cent won't get another dime of my money. I mean, just think about it...go to your job, have beef with a co-worker, then take it to the streets and start blasting up in there...the only press conference you'll see is the DA and Chief of Police 'splaining how your ignant ass is gonna be "in the studio" for a long ass time! They keep doing it, coz we keep accepting it and keep giving our hard-earned dollars to them, thereby awarding this insidious behavior. Let's see...50 - Nine shots record deal...The Game - 6 shots...record deal...hmmm if I take 7 bullets, I guess I can join G-Unit, too...my record will be so good...I'll pop a cap in somebody's ass! Watch out for the summer release from DJ PapiCatch22 and MC Such and Such - You Missed all My Vital Organs, BEEYATCH! LOL

I like hip-hop, but when I was hard into it, I don't remember LL Cool J and Kool Moe Dee having a shoot out on Video Soul or Rap City! Hell, I don't think Eric B. and Rakim, or Dougie Fresh and the Get Fresh Crew even owned a gun (Slick Rick...different story)...they sure as hell didn't rap about them. Hey, I don't want to see another person, let alone entertainer, go out like 2Pac or Biggie. I have an idea...next time a rapper or entourage member shoots someone...send the whole posse to Iraq, since they want to use guns so bad and bring some of the troops home. Or we can say enough is enough and I won't buy your music anymore. I wonder if they fire a gun outside a radio station when no one is listening to their music...will it make a sound...or a sale?

Children are the Future...

The names have been changed to protect the innocent and to prevent law suits! Wal-Mart. The happiest place on earth. I don't care what they say about Disney Land, for folks like me, it's Wal-Mart hands down. On top of that, you pair me up with my two-year old nephew who is a confirmed chick magnet, then you have a recipe for a Saturday shopping extravaganza! Yeah, I know it's kinda low to use toddlers to lure unsuspecting women into my web o' lovin', but hey...all is fair in love and war. Besides, I feel as though I'm getting him started on the right path, just my way of grooming the coming generation of playas! LOL Anyway, I've always found it fascinating how women are drawn to men with little kids. Everytime I borrow my nephew for an exploratory ass run, it never fails! They are the ultimate ice breakers!!

Today during our excursion to Wal-Mart and points beyond, the lil fella, let's call him Teddy, was in RARE form...he was pouring on so much cute toddler charm that all I had to do was hold his hand, or pick him up and make the beaming proud psuedo-parent face and the ladies were ours (mine) for the taking! It was artistry, a veritable clinic put on by a two-year old, heck we even got some shopping done and for his trouble, Teddy walked away with a cool Spider-Man spill-proof cup! Woooo Hooooo...winnahs all around!

It's a mystery to me that the kid is such a draw. Living here in Atlanta (and I am NOT tooting my own horn here) having no drama, a great job, being single, and STRAIGHT, without any kids makes you a Blue Chip, Number One Draft Pick prospect to most women. Some of the same women that desire that in a mate stumble upon Sidney and I on our bi-weekly adventures and they fawn and fall over him and, by proxy, me! Hey...I'm not complaining at all! I guess even though you don't have kids, they want to see how you handle yourself around them...and more importantly how you treat them. I guess having a paternal instinct can pay off once in a while.

After getting Teddy back to my place and cleaning us both up from a day of hunting and gathering and one of the most massive McDonald's Coca-Cola fountain spills in Atlanta/Wal-Mart history, we settled in for a night of The Incredibles, ginger snaps and 100% Apple Juice. After the last snap was snacked and The Incredibles finished vanquishing their foe, I realized that after all the women we spent time with, Teddy was the best company I've had in my place in years and the one most likely to be invited over again! Suffice it to say, I learned a couple of lessons today....

1. Don't hold a 2-year old close to the coke fountain and look away

2. Kids are great...especially when you eventually send them home

3. Give a kid too much Apple Juice and the resulting "present" in the

diaper will run you out of the house!

Now if only I could get one of those cuties to come over to do this changing!

PapiCatch22 Hard at Work 

That's My Bush!

I've read the posts about same sex (gay) marriage and I just have to shake my head. Looks like Georgie boy's got us all riled up again. Y'see, in my opinion, this issue of gay marriage is just a red herring...a diversion or distraction, if you will, for the American People and we've all bought it, hook, line, and wedding band. George Bush (A.K.A. The Lil Butt Monkey) and his administration cronies had been pulling the wool over the eyes of the American People since that Grand Ol' Election of 2000!

***Please don't get me started on that***

Anyhow...this time,instead of pulling the wool over our eyes, they've tried to wrap out entire brains and sensory organs in solid concrete. Conservatives and the zealously religious may tell you one thing, but face it...this "Gay Marriage Monster" was created and nurtured and unleashed upon us by the Lil Butt Monkey and his spin doctors! It's there to keep your eyes, ears and other senses off of the mess that He's made of Social Security, the deficit that our children's Children's Children will be paying for, the almost irrecoverable mess he's made of U.S. Foreign Policy and joint ButtMonkey / FoxNews War of Terror Campaign.

Tell me...is gay marriage as important as any ONE of these topics? If we ban gay marriage will they play nice and get rid of the Patriot Act? If we prevent two guys or two girls from marrying each other, will it bring our endangered troops home? I'm afraid the answer is NO!! But this is essentially the platform that won the Lil Butt Monkey a second term in office. His insistence that gays getting married would destroy this country, when in essence, he and Tricky Dick Cheney have been usurping the will of the American People, not in secret, but right before your eyes. These folks don't work in secret anymore, they set policies and laws right in front of you, then pull the ol' bait and switch....show you a passionate issue in the right hand (Gay Marriage) while the left hand slaps you silly AND picks your pocket (the aforementioned Patriot Act, Arctic Drilling, any FCC rulings, ignoring the economy and genocide in the Sudan, etc.). Then they play the Ray Charles version of America the Beautiful, like an exit song leaving the crowd wanting more.

The greatest trick the devil ever played was making the world believe he doesn't exist. The greatest trick this administration has played is making you believe that gay marriage is the only problem this country has faced on his watch. He's ignored this country for the last four years, jobs are down, unemployment is up, he's cutting public school and public works programs that affect minorities most of all. But that's all cool...at least the gays can't get married now! Wooooo HOOOOOOO! Hallelujah!!!

See past the fake-outs and look at the real. Look at the real agenda. Hey, I'm not gay (Far from it Ladies! LOL), but at the same time, will gays getting married affect me the way most other policies of the Lil Butt Monkey Administration do? Hell no! They say, "scratch a lie find a thief"...if you scratch too hard in Washington these days, you'll find plenty of thieves and there won't be a scab big enough to cover and heal the wounds they've already inflicted on us.